How Should You Be Angry?

Note: This article is from blogger Ryan Martin, who talks about anger.

But what they really mean is that they don't get aggressive. And as soon as we talk about it, they immediately realize that in fact, they get angry quite often (most people get angry, several times a week to several times a day).

Anger is an emotion characterized by an intense sense of resentment, ranging from the frustration you might feel when you can't find your car keys to the intense anger you might feel when you or someone you care about has been treated badly.

Like any other emotion, it involves a physiological response (including increased heart rate and muscle tension), stereotypical thoughts (such as blaming others or wanting revenge), and expected behavior (such as violence, either verbally or physically).

More importantly, although there is often a desire to act in one of these ways, most people do not. They may feel the urge to scream, but instead, they may resent, cry, ruminate negative thoughts, and take deep breaths. Or they may adopt another strategy for expressing anger in a nonviolent way; This is why people may not realize how often they feel angry. Some people express their sadness in very different ways, and the same applies to anger.

People often attribute their anger directly to external things, “I got angry because of the traffic jam,” or “I got so angry when my boss abused me at work.” In fact, the better explanation is that anger stems from three factors: the provocation, the person's interpretation of the teasing, and their mood at the time.

It is teasing that triggers anger. Perhaps you got stuck in traffic, your co-worker insulted you, or your internet connection went offline while you were working. Certain situations are likely to trigger your anger in particular. Your goals are unattainable or something is slowing you down, or things may happen to you that make you feel frustrated, or because of situations where you suffer from injustice or unfairness.

But before you get really angry, you have to interpret the teasing, and decide what it means to you and whether or not you can handle it. Imagine that your co-worker insulted you during a meeting. You will interpret that what he said was unfair and unreasonable, and you will feel angry.

At this point, you need to decide whether or not you can handle the situation. If you think something like, "No one is listening to this person anyway, it's not a big deal." You will be less angry than if you think, "This is Terrible, my boss was in that meeting and now he thinks I'm an idiot."

These thoughts that we have when we feel teased matter a lot. When you consider it a disaster (failure to do something), overgeneralize (take a small event and make it part of a larger pattern), or describe people as a result of your rage, you will become angrier than you normally would.

Imagine, for example, how angry you would feel, if after stopping at a red light on your way to work, you told yourself, “This is going to ruin my whole day” (disaster), or “It always happens to me” (overgeneralization) , or “Whoever modified this sign is a total idiot” (a raging description).

These thoughts are more common when we are in a certain mood. The mood we feel when a teasing occurs is known as the "pre-anger state" and when we are tired, stressed, hungry, really angry, or in any other negative state, the teasing makes us angrier than we would normally be.

This is one of the reasons why something that might not ordinarily bother us might bother us another day. Being able to think about your anger in this way, to understand the reason that cause it, allows you to take the following steps to develop a healthier relationship with anger. When you understand your anger, you can take better control of it and use it in more beneficial ways.

Important steps you need to take to deal with anger

1. Understand your anger

The first step to getting angry in a harmless way is to understand where it comes from. Not just the obvious, superficial reasons, but the whole picture. You can do this by asking yourself the following three questions:

1.1. Should you get angry?

When you assess the situation, consider whether you were wronged or treated unfairly, whether your goals were impeded or not, and if so, what were the real consequences of that?

Sometimes people discover through this type of analysis that their anger is not justified. They realize that the situation was the result of an unintentional mistake, that their interpretation was incorrect, or that the outcome of the situation is not a big deal. But at the same time, they may also discover that their anger is very justified, and they may have a clear knowledge of what to do about it.

1.2. What does your anger tell you about the situation?

In cases where you decide your anger is justified, invest some time to think about what your anger is telling you about your circumstances. Reflecting on your anger allows you to assess why you feel the way you do, and may help you determine what you really want to get out of the situation. For example, imagine one morning that you are frustrated by the traffic jam on your way to work.

You realize that your anger stems only partly from the traffic, and partly from the stress and anxiety surrounding you with your long day ahead. But since you can't change the traffic, you can focus more on dealing with the anxiety you feel about work.

1.3. What does your anger tell you about yourself?

By assessing why you are angry, especially when you look at patterns of anger across situations, you can learn a lot about your values. For example, imagine finding yourself constantly frustrated because someone is repeatedly late. If you take a step forward and ask yourself why this is frustrating you, you will understand your values and needs better and in a way that will help you solve problems.

If the reason you are angry that they are late is because you find it inappropriate, then this indicates your need for self-respect and desire for respect. But if the reason you're angry is that their being late makes you nervous about something else to do, then your frustration is something else entirely.

The last issue relates to not achieving goals and feeling pressure to get things done, and the same provocative thing (repeated delay) leads to the same feeling of anger. But for different reasons; These different causes have different solutions, and thinking about your anger can help you understand what to do next.

2. Prevent anger from happening in the first place

Another benefit of fully understanding your anger is that it will allow you to step in to control of how you feel. At this point, we have identified three different components of the anger experience (provocation, person's interpretation of the provocation, and mood), and you can intervene at all stages to reduce and manage anger.

First, you can avoid some common triggers when you decide it's best to do so, but sometimes things happen that you can't avoid, and there are other times when you do things unnecessarily, things you know that they make you angry.

You don't need to invite these negative experiences into your life. For example, you can choose to ignore or hide disturbing political posts on Facebook or choose a different route when commuting to work to avoid common traffic inconvenience.

You can control anger by reevaluating your unavoidable provocations. In other words, evaluate your thoughts and ask yourself whether they are correct or reasonable. When a restaurant gets your order wrong, you can think about the real consequences. Will it ruin your day, or will you be able to deal with it?

When someone makes a mistake at work, you can ask yourself if it makes them look "totally stupid" or if it's a small mistake they'll fix later. However the point here is, you shouldn't lie to yourself and pretend things are okay when they aren't. The goal should be to accept thoughts that are realistic and representative of what is really happening around you.

Finally, you can identify the pre-anger mood. Once you've identified patterns about when you're most likely to get angry (such as when you're tired, hungry, or in a hurry), you can take steps to avoid getting into those situations. By planning ahead, you often make sure you get a good rest and eat to avoid feeling hungry and be ahead of your deadlines so that you don't feel rushed.

Even when this isn't possible, just by acknowledge that you tend to get angry in these situations is important. When you find yourself tired and irritable, simply acknowledging it to yourself with “everything feels worse because I'm tired” can go a long way to alleviating unwanted frustration.

3. Try “traditional” anger management techniques

The fourth component of anger is the actual emotional feeling generated by these interactions. This intense feeling of frustration or anger, and when it comes to dealing with anger, this is where many people think they need to intervene.

You may see evidence of this in common anger management strategies, which include relaxation, such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation, counting to 10 or meditation. These techniques are largely centered around reducing feelings of anger as soon as they occur.

Although I don't think that's all you need to do, the above methods are important too, they really do work. When you are angry, relaxation techniques have the effect of decreasing unwanted emotional and physiological arousal such as increased muscle tension and heart rate.

It's worth noting that the popular "pillow punching" suggestions are worthless, which on the other hand are horrible ideas. In fact, research on venting anger has shown that not only does it reduce anger in those moments, but it actually increases the likelihood of developing aggression later in life.

4. Invest your anger in a beneficial way

I think of anger as a drive that can motivate you to solve problems, however, like any other drive, it can be unstable and, if out of control, can explode in a way that is dangerous to yourself or to those around you. For this reason, the first step to invest your anger in a beneficial way is knowing when it might be a problem for you.

Anger can be expressed in an almost infinite number of ways, some of which produce severe and potentially catastrophic consequences. People who are chronically angry are more likely to fight through physical and verbal abuse, reckless driving and property damage, and use alcohol and drugs. If you experience such serious negative consequences because of your anger, you should seek the help and advice of an expert.

However, you may be tempted to categorize expressions of anger as good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. In fact, there is no single right thing to do when you are angry.

For example, there are certainly times when holding onto your anger is the best option because expressing it can be risky or even unsafe. But oppression can have psychological and physical consequences if you rely on it too much. The best thing to do when you are angry always depends on the content. For example, there are definitely times when holding on to your anger is the best option because expressing it can be risky or even unsafe, but oppression can have psychological and physical consequences if you rely on it too much. The best thing to do when you are angry always depends on the substance.

The essence of the matter is that your anger is telling you that there is a problem, and one way to express it in a useful way is to use the energy you save to solve that problem. This may include addressing relatively small issues in your life that lead to frequent frustrations. Its location may encourage you to develop a better system to avoid it, or a leaky faucet in your kitchen may remain a nuisance for you until you fix it.

There may be bigger problems. Using your anger can also mean standing up for yourself by having a potentially meaningful but difficult conversation with someone in your life. If you feel that you are being ignored at work, or that a family member treats you badly, your anger may help you stand up for yourself.

Being able to communicate your anger to people in meaningful ways is an important skill. It can be difficult to maintain professionalism and stay on topic when you are angry; But getting in touch with your feelings while listening to others can be another valuable avenue in which your anger can serve you well.